Letters To My First Love!

Dear Love,
I woke up again!
I wish I were happy! Scratching that I WISH I WERE HAPPY WITH YOU!
Each night I fall either asleep wishing I died or wake up safe and happy with you beside me but that never happens. It is a ritual now to cry to sleep waking up endless times to nightmares with increased intensity each night. The dark circles have deepened even more expressing my eyes are dying to see you once again. I long for you and though I can be the utter ruthless manipulative bitch when it comes down to self-restraint in expressing my feelings. I cannot help it I was been raised to suppress and live at each moment of my life. My wish of dying justifies I need a clean slate to write on! No person will ever have guts to accept me with my rebellious outrageous past tagging along. Even you were not that brave ever. You are the only one who got into a little depth in my demons. At this point, I am certain that either I want you to accept me as it is or to completely forget each other and move on with life. I know how worst I have handled these months after leaving you! Definitely, I miss you I love you from the core of my heart but I also wish you will understand me someday you will understand my love someday! I cannot look at my diary I wrote for you, all I get stuck on words like I wish to have a marriage with you, I wish to have a baby with you, I wish forever with you! Now I know what I am turning into the original self with human emotions switched off who worked like a maniac without looking day or night. I have not told you yet my health is improvising or I am dragging myself to medicines because of my family but still, a part of me doesn’t want to stay alive without you. All I could manage to have is hope at last. I do not know how to react to your messages or calls, I know myself either I would be so rude that my words would make you bleed or so intense that you would be scared to death by me. Therefore, I best avoid the interaction. I know it is not the solution but I cannot help it anymore. Again, I end here with the same thing - I am missing the source of my inspiration, compassion, love or I could say my eventual survival – YOU!

Forever yours,
Nainaa

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